Mental Illness & Me: Living With Depression

Mental Illness & Me: Living With Depression


[INTRO] Hello, are you cooperating? This video is cooperating. So in this video, we are going
to get a little more personal as we are talking about
mental health today. This video is going to
be part of a project called Mental Illness and Me. My friend is Katie Scarlett
from Katie Scarlett Speaks, who I met at VidCon officially, she is the one who came
up with this project in honour of her birthday. And, I said yes, and here we are. So, if you didn’t know, I have depression. I am a very depressed individual. I made a video last year
called Depression Sucks, which, it was filmed during the week, where, when I was just,
I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t feel like doing YouTube, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was having breakdowns,
I was having temper tantrums, lots of anger management issues. It’s something that comes
from a lot of things. One, mostly my childhood, had a very crappy childhood growing up. It still is a thing, today. I mean I’m not a child,
but it stays with you for a while is what I’m getting at. Isolation was a part of
it, being so isolated from things, which was
also kind of a result from everything that happened
during childhood years. Part of it is also a little
bit of an identity crisis. As someone who grew up mainstreamed, a mainstream deaf kid, and then kind of transitioning into the capital D Deaf community and
culture, which is gonna be a whole other video coming after this. So it’s a lot of things
that kind of goes into one and every time I have
some sort of an episode, whether it’s like a day,
or a week, or whatever it’s usually like kind of
a mixture of those things. Sometimes it’s one thing,
most of the time it’s because of past childhood crap. But it’s something that I’ve
been trying to improve on. I know that depression is something that’s never just gonna go away
but, I like to at least try to get away from the
stuff that’s causing it as much as I possibly can. Right now it’s something that I can’t just be like pack up
everything and then go, unless I wanted to like
crash and burn financially, which is not a smart thing to do. So, you know, I just try to put myself in more of a safer space in my head. Physically, wherever I might be, if I need to go somewhere for a little while and just chill, that’s what I do. Taking my mind off things,
my work with YouTube. It’s funny cause in my
August Favourites video somebody said, “You know, ever since “you’ve been back in North Carolina, “you seem a lot more carefree
and chipper, and you know, what not.” In all honesty, probably
during the same week, I was having one of my
big depression episodes. I was having nothing, I
was having none of it, really I didn’t wanna
do Youtube at the time. I didn’t wanna quit it but, I
just didn’t wanna do it then. At least every once in a while I just have that time
where I wanna do nothing but lay in bed and if I can actually get out of the bed and get on the couch, I just want to sit and watch Netflix, which is something that I cannot do because I have multiple jobs. I work for DTV News, I do YouTube, I now do public speaking so I
gotta promote myself for that. Working for Ai-Media, I gotta do some work in order to get out of
where I want to get out of. I’ve struggled with suicide or
suicidal thoughts. Growing up, I remember
sometime when I was a teenager, this is when stuff was really, really bad, I remember I told myself by the age of 21, if I wasn’t where I wanted to be
at the age of 21 I was going to kill myself. I won’t lie and say that there wasn’t an attempt of some sort. Then I told myself
after that did not work, I said if I wasn’t where
I wanted to be when I was 25, I would try to do the same thing. I turned 25 about two months
ago, I will say though, I didn’t try anything because, I am in a better place mentally. At least most of the time,
I’m in a better place than I was eight years ago. Opportunities in my life, my career path, has been changing,
something’s been happening. So, I think that’s what’s
been keeping me going. I think finally, seeing a change, cause I been working doing YouTube stuff and trying to change my life
for the past five years. And it wasn’t really working for, the first three, the first four years, which was a big struggle, so that kind of just didn’t help my mental health. But now, things are turning around so it’s better and I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. However, those things
aren’t always permanent, positive change is not always permanent. Depression you can’t just turn on and off like this ring light I’m desperately wanting to turn off. It’s so hot. Another thing about depression is people are like, you can act happy for the camera, or in front of people and they think that you’re
not depressed anymore. But honestly, it doesn’t
really matter because, I can be having a grand old time, enjoying my life at
that particular moment, but then in one instance my brain can just be like, no, not happening today. So, just a few weeks before now I was having those moments
I didn’t wanna do anything, I didn’t wanna do news station work, I didn’t wanna do YouTube, which, I really have to do that for this month, for Deaf Awareness Month because, it’s very important to me and everybody, and Buffer Festival. Fun fact, there is a
study out there that says, I’m trying to make this related to Deaf Awareness Month in a way, there is a fact, a study, that says that deaf people are at higher
risk for having depression. The only way my deafness would fit into this whole depression thing is just the identity
crisis, trying to find a way to make both worlds work. Like the mainstream one that I grew up in and then the Deaf community one, which is a brand new thing,
and it’s hard because not everybody is very acceptable of me trying to go on to this part of the world, but of course there are people who are. But when you have depression, you hear that one negative comment, and then your brain just shuts down and it can be very stressful and very sad. That’s what I’m talking
about with a little bit of an identity crisis because sometimes, I feel like I almost wanna give up. And even two weeks ago
something happened with the whole Daniel Harris thing, and I was breaking
down, I was just crying, and you may call it
over dramatic, whatever, but, I guess that’s
how most depression is, over dramatic, especially
with something like this. I guess it’s one of
those things where if you have never been involved
in this sort of thing, like if you’re a hearing person, you wouldn’t really get it, but if you’re a hard-of-hearing person,
or a mainstream d/Deaf person who is now trying to
find yourself, in between these two worlds when this other world that you’re finally discovering. It’s like people pulling your body and then you’re gonna get split in two. I can say currently I’m not doing so bad. Some stuff has happened
the past couple of days that would really make my brain just hurt, but it’s not bad, it’s not bad. I think it’s just because I’m going to Toronto soon, for Buffer festival, and I’m gonna be there for a month. And, if you know me, you
know I love Toronto because friends are there, boyfriend
is there so, you know. My Deaf friends are there, some of them. I have my Toronto Deaf friends, and then my Los Angeles Deaf friends,
and then my news team, which is all kind of
scattered across the country. I don’t know how to wrap
this kind of video up, I guess feel free to leave any mental health stories
down below or something. I’m not really sure, we can have a nice little conversation. If you want to follow
me on my social media, links to that will be down below. If you wanna follow me monthly on Patreon and get presents, letters, and all kinds of fun stuff, link to that will also be down below. I have some merchandise if you want some buttons or some funny little prints. There’s one fun print,
what the heck Rikki, link to that down below. I upload every Monday and Thursday unless otherwise stated
and, I’m a bobble head. And I will see you later, bye. [POKEMON OUTRO]