Chronic Pain/Illness: When to push and when to rest… [CC]

Chronic Pain/Illness: When to push and when to rest… [CC]


[SIGH] Hello, hello. If you’re like me, you also kind of hate it
when YouTubers apologize for not creating content. Whenever I see somebody doing that I’m like,
“You don’t owe me anything! I just like when you make stuff!” Um, so hopefully… If you’re watching this you kind of feel the
same way. Um, so I won’t necessarily apologize for it
but I will catch you up on why I haven’t been creating content consistently. Last year, in an effort to… Mm… I don’t know… In an effort to make myself accountable, in
an effort to give myself something to do every day, I challenged myself to make at least
three videos a week. My goal was always five videos a week um,
but I would cut myself some slack if it was only three or whatever but at least like weekly
content. Um… And I even tried to do that by giving myself
themes, uh, daily themes, which I really miss. I really wish that I had the physical stamina
to keep a routine like that up because I do have the creativity to like… create all
the time, but I just don’t have it physically in me because of my chronic illnesses to be
making all the time, to be creating all the time, that’s the better word. Um, even now as I speak you can kind of hear
my labored breathing.. um.. Ugh! It sucks but uh, basically what happens is,
I have a lot of ideas, I have a lot of things that I wanna say, I have a lot of things that
I want to create, um, but what’s been happening for the most part is that my illness gets
in the way now. Um, and a lot of that has to do with the fact
that I’m not generally medicated except for dire emergency cases, um, I don’t really have
any treatment minus the fact that I go to my cousin’s pool to do some exercise about
once a week. Um… And that’s it. And that’s all I’m really doing for my pain
levels, my hypermobility, my chronic fatigue, my brain fog, um, so that’s not a lot. And… Eh.. I’m not doing a great job at managing all
of that. If I were to try and explain what my days
look like, there are some days where I can’t really tell you what it looks like aside from
me losing the entire day because I slept through it. Um, there are days when I sleep.. the whole
way through, like.. [LAUGHS THRU WORDS]
16 hours of sleep!! And obviously, that’s not by choice, like
my eyes roll into the back of my head and I can’t get up, like I’m– a family member
will shake me and I won’t wake up. Um… And that’s not something that used to
happen, that’s something that’s kind of new, um… There are days when my pain levels are too
high that I can’t even sit up so I’m like flat, Sleeping Beauty status, like I just
have to lay in bed because sitting down hurts, um… And um, I don’t generally like using my wheelchair
inside the house, I will if I absolutely have to but for the most part I like to, you know,
keep using my legs even though it hurts, um, but there are some days when the pain level’s
too high and I can’t even stand up like for a second without the pain levels being too
much. Um, so on these days, as much as internally
I would love to create something, I just don’t have the physical ability to. Um, I just talked about this a little bit
on Twitter but when I.. [CHOKES UP] can’t… Oh God! Don’t get emotional! [LAUGHS] Girl! Keep it together! Um, right, so it– it sucks. It’s sucky feeling to have so much drive inside
of me, so many things that I want to do and then it literally feels like an elephant is
sitting on top of my chest, like I just can’t move out of my bed and I’m just sinking deep
into it, particularly this feeling um… when I, you know, fall into my like sleeping disorder,
or whatever it is that is going on there. [SNIFF] And I don’t really know how to manage that. Uh… [SNIFF] And this is a bad health spell, I’ve felt
better but the summetime has been hard and there’s been a lot of like mental health triggers
too, um.. Oh God! Especially with like the battle for healthcare
that’s been going on, um, the one year anniversary of Pulse and the one year anniversary
of the um, Sagamihara massacre and all that really um, triggered my depression. The isolation has triggered my depersonalization,
um, and then also the lack of being able to create… it’s just like a cycle. It’s just like my physical health sucks, I
can’t create anything, my mental health suffers and then we start over again. [LAUGHS] And it just happens all over again. Um, it kinda feels like a cycle but it kind
stops at mental health, just a restart. Um… Mm… [TSK] So… I’m not sure… If.. you know how some people they think like,
‘this year sucks and when New Year c-comes then things are gonna change and things are
gonna get better’, um, that’s kind of the way I’m thinking right now. Like, maybe it’s just the summer has been
sucky on my mental health and um… triggering my physical health to not be good either,
I don’t know how that cycle works, um… And maybe when fall comes… I’ll see some kind of improvement. [COUGHS] Uh… I hope so! It’s been really tough to kind of figure out
what the line is, um, because, I feel like last year trying to do five videos a day,
I… I was pushing myself so hard, like even on
days where I felt bad I would create something… But in doing so I wasn’t always creating work
that I was proud of and I felt kind of rushed into creating something that I knew could
be better if I had just taken my time with it. Um, but having that kind of momentum felt
like the only way to get things done um, and then, you know, I kind of found a mentality
like, “You’re sick. You deserve to rest.” um, “And just be sick.” um “Just be in bed, just try and not stress
yourself out about what you should be doing because what you should be doing is trying
to get better.” Um… So I- I don’t know if I… I don’t know… [GROANS] Hearing myself, I know what the answer is,
I know that the key is to find a balance with accountability and work and then also finding
time to let myself be sick, to relax in those symptoms and not stress myself out about what
I should be doing. But that balance is really difficult to find,
like I said, I thought that the only answer– it’s like.. I’m- I’m just really struggling with that. It feels like it has to be one way or another
because with chronic illness, I am sick every day! If you are a non-sick person, a non-chronically
ill person, um, then when you get the flu or a cold, you take the day off work because
how are you supposed to work when you, you know, have a flu, or a fever, or you get severely
injured and have to go to the ER?! Um, right? How do you– how do you perform your best when you’re not feeling well? Um.. But for me that’s every day, for me, I’m injured,
sick, on a daily basis, particularly the hard one are when I [CHOKES UP] can’t wake up… [SNIFFLES] Um… So when you’re sick every day… ha… How do you decide when to push and when to
rest? Um… I’m trying to figure that out. What I can try and say moving forward is that… I… You know, I don’t have the money, the access,
to get professional help regarding my treatment, um, and so a lot of it’s kind of DIY, do-it-yourself,
um, and um… so… If that’s what I got, it’s what I got and
I’m gonna try and figure out… [SIGH] as best I can, how I can manage all
of this. Mm… [SNIFFS] Oh god… Ahh! And don’t– ugh! Don’t feel like my life is totally miserable
and awful, I mean, that part sucks but I have a lot to be grateful for, a LOT to be grateful
for; not to mention, this roof above my head, food in the fridge, and people who care a
whole lot about me. I have SO much to be grateful for. Um.. but I gotta admit that being sick and
generally isolated and not having access to the best treatment possible, or any treatment
at all if I’m being honest, um… It’s– that is hard. Uh.. and I.. [SNIFFS] there’s a part of me that’s glad
I’m going through it, otherwise, I wouldn’t know how serious that is and how many people
are in the same position. Um… So… if you’re in the same position, you’re
certainly not alone. I know that sucks but we’re in this together
and um, hopefully, we can learn to find a balance and get our voices out there, and
do the work that we want to and need to… [SIGH] …for us. Not necessarily for other people or for capitalism
or consumerism but like, because we want to do it, or because we need to do it to survive,
do it for ourselves. [SIGH] Okay.. that’s it. Alright, [SIGH] fingers crossed I can get
you a new video sooner rather than later and I will see you eventualy. Bye. [OUTRO MUSIC]